self-doubt and changes
how march went – a sort of book recommendation
I’ve seemingly changed a lot during this past month. The change mostly consisted of my mental health getting really bad and me slowly (emphasis on slowly) picking up the pieces of my former self. But having survived it I can surely announce that I came out at the end of the storm as a better version of me. The way it ended up happening is sort of surprising. Or should I say unexpected. Sometimes the clearest resolutions work in ways we least expect it. I don’t know what I’m getting at now, so I'll just cut to the chase.
In March, I started getting up at around the same time each morning. Apparently, it helps with preventing migraines — or so I heard. A month having passed, I still can’t tell if it actually does. My days largely consisted of me feeling lost in my mind and also body, feeling socially unfulfilled and sort of lonely. One thing lead to another — I started reading more. Like, a lot more. I didn’t feel like writing. I felt like consuming other’s words, rather than creating and gathering my own. I truly enjoy it, but this obsession obviously came to be, because I needed some form of escapism. And since books bring a different kind of comfort and are next level when it comes to escapism, it is no surprise, that reading helped. With what exactly? Well, for starters it made me put social media to the sidelines, which gave me immense mental clarity. I can gather and form thoughts a lot easier and quicker and I have little to no problem with verbalizing them. Multilingualism-wise, I’ve noticed I could translate sentences in my head a lot quicker and can bounce between three different languages with more ease than before. Expanding my vocabulary (by reading) in one language made noticeable change in the others too. Now, the more serious part: for the past few months, I’ve been dealing with depression and, on worse days, anxiety on top of it.
March brought me a lot of classic early-twenties self-doubt and identity questioning. Who I am — Who I want to be — What do I have to do to become who I want to be — all while depression made me feel I was rotting from the inside and made me want to swim in my sorrow. With years of similar experience I couldn't let that be. I know the worst thing one can do in situations like these is isolation and giving up. So, I did the opposite. Throughout the whole month I did everything that was humanly possible to get better. Showed up, worked, worked out, read, studied, socialized (or at least tried to); educated & took care of myself and at the end of every day — I picked myself up. Lately, things have been improving a bit; I started exercising again, which helps my mental health tremendously, even though I don’t want to admit it because it’s embarrassingly simple. And to add to it, I’m reading books to escape the harder moments.
I also feel too privileged to feel these emotions, knowing what’s going on in the rest of the world. This fact also kept me from resorting to self-pity and made me want to work on getting rid of whatever is causing these feelings.
The last book I’ve read this month, was I who have never known men by Jacqueline Harpman. It made me look at life in a different lens (as books tend to do). Made me question what it is exactly, that makes us all human. How different one’s life journey can become after experiencing unexplainable evil and wrongdoings by the hand of others. Discovering that the author was a Jewish woman whose family fled the Holocaust gave me a new perspective and context to the whole story. It was such a captivating and interesting read.
Another book I really enjoyed was A short stay in hell by Steven L. Peck. This book provides the reader with a different perspective on afterlife and reciprocally on life itself. Both of these books contributed to my march journey by making me question the way I exist on the daily. Reminding me to appreciate the ever-fleeting ephemeral beauty of our world.
I also wrote a few short stories and worked on research topics I never ended up publishing. I feel like my voice is getting lost lately as I’m spending most of my days by myself. It made me realize that being an opinionated and curious person only lasts so long when you have no one to share your wanderings with. If no one asks or wants to hear your thoughts, is it worth forming them? Or does it become a waste of one’s energy?
I wish I knew more and I wish I wanted to write more, but I’ll leave it at this diary-esque nothing-soup. Maybe I’ll know more in a month or few. After all, I already am further than I was at the beginning of this one.
